The Mrs Kim Mysteries 1: The Curious Case of the Stolen Kimchi
by Klutzbag
Summary: Mrs Kim vs Stars Hollow.
1. Big Trouble in Little Diner

**Chapter One - Big Trouble in Little Diner**

It was a day like any other in Stars Hollow, but for Mrs Kim it was going to be a day like no other.

It had started a few days ago, in her antiques shop, the perfectly-named Kim's Antiques. when one of her customers had recommended to her the kimchi they were serving at Luke's. Racist. Besides, it could never compare to her homemade version, made with a recipe handed down through the centuries.

However, yesterday evening, everything had changed. Her well-raised daughter Lane, who'd been blessed by the vegan goodness of Mrs Kim's cooking, had praised the kimchi at Luke's. Betrayal. Lane even dared to say it compared to her mother's just before Mrs Kim stormed out, with thoughts of daughter disowning on her mind.

Now, she'd almost calmed down, and her curiosity had driven her to the door of Luke's, a place she rarely frequented due to the food, the company, the decor and the coffee. But mostly the heathens of this land.

Mrs Kim sat down at a table the maximum distance from everyone, and looked at Luke's laminated menu. There it was, highlighted as a new dish, kimchi. It even explained, for the uneducated, that it was chili pickled cabbage. And so she waited to be waited on, and then waited to be served, as her curiosity grew inside her, but Mrs Kim was nothing if not patient, and curious.

Finally the dish arrived, on the kind of old bland crockery she would almost be ashamed to sell at her shop, and she leaned over and smelled it. It smelled good. She tasted it. It was good, very good, almost enough to make her smile, yet something was familiar about it. Maybe too familiar? She realised it was her family's secret recipe, as she spat the soup out in surprise. It was like time had stopped and slow motion had set in.

Someone had stolen her recipe, there had to be retribution, there had to be vengeance.

Someone must pay.


	2. Storm in a Coffee Cup

**Chapter Two - Storm in a Coffee Cup**

Luke Danes was standing at the counter, refilling Lorelai's cup once again, but his attention was elsewhere. Luke may have been manly, and there was little he was scared of, but one of those little things he was scared of was marching up to the counter right now.

"Luke!" Mrs Kim exclaimed, slamming a plate down on the counter . "Did you make this?"

He only had to look at it to realise it wasn't a burger, fries, a pancake or any other form of cake. It was un-American and vegetarian. Definitely not his work, and something he'd only begrudgingly put on the menu. "No, that would be Caesar. I'm sorry if you-"

"I need to know where he got his kimchi recipe."

Oh, it wasn't a complaint. Luke eased slightly as a smile almost came to his face. "I'll tell Caesar you liked it, and ask if you can have the recipe. But you know what cooks are like."

"Always protect their sauces," Lorelai added. It wasn't that funny, but Luke felt obliged to laugh, in the exact same way that Mrs Kim didn't.

"Very well. Thank you," Mrs Kim said to Luke, ignoring Lorelai. "Although while his kimchi was wonderful, I fear that it is tainted, with the poison of dishonor. Please report back on what Caesar says," she instructed, then paid for her meal and left.

"No tip?" teased Lorelai. "Oooh,what did you do?"

"Beats me," said Luke. "Remind me to get the recipe from Caesar. Don't want to be in Mrs Kim's bad books."

"Isn't it a bit late for that?" Lorelai replied.

"Meh, everything's fine," he said. As usual, Lorelai was reading too much into things. Why read between the lines when there's only blank space there?

"Did you not see the way she looked at you?" continued Lorelai, refusing to drop the subject, like Paul Anka with a bone.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "She always looks at me like that."

"And no tip?"

"Mrs Kim never gives me any tips, beyond telling me I could get better plates from her shop."

"Well, if you ask me," Lorelai began, in the way she always did when he hadn't asked her opinion, "Caesar needs to flee town. Fast. Probably flee the country. The world."

"She liked his kimchi!" protested Luke, as he refilled her cup, hoping the magic of coffee would keep her mouth busy.

"Isn't it obvious? She came to bury Caesar, not to praise him," said Lorelai, smiling as if she'd made a joke.

"Then why did she leave?" asked Luke.

"Did you not see that look on her face?" Lorelai gasped.

"What look? She always looks the same, inscrutable. She's like that book Jess wrote, totally unreadable."

"I'm a mother, I know that look. She could break Caesar anytime, but I think she has her own suspicions, suspicions closer to home. Breaking him can wait."

"You think she suspects Lane?" guessed Luke, buying into Lorelai's crazy theory, eager for the occupants of Luke's to focus on something other than this conversation.

Lorelai nodded triumphantly and smiled, then drank her cup of coffee.

Luke was just happy for things to return to normal, and it was time to brew some fresh coffee. But first, a visit to the kitchen.

"Hey, Caesar, Mrs Kim-" he began, as he walked in, the smell of cabbage in the air, but Caesar was nowhere to be seen. Luke saw the swinging open door, and rushed to it.

"Caesar!?" Luke yelled out into the night, but there was no reply.


	3. Number One Daughter

**Chapter Three - Number One Daughter**

As she made the short dark journey from Luke's to Lane's, Mrs Kim's mind went to her crazy carefree tambourine-filled teenage years. She remembered hearing her mother's footsteps approaching her room, how she'd had to rush to hide her bibles beneath the floorboards, and then her mother had entered and said the words that would change everything.

"Child," her mother had said, in Korean. "I have come to tell you of the great blessing I will bestow upon you."

"Momma?" she replied, wondering what was to come.

"One day you will be ready to be blessed with the family's kimchi recipe, a recipe that must always remain our secret, but as of this moment you are not ready for such responsibility."

"Momma!" she'd gasped, in disbelief, as her mother had backed out of her room.

And so, the long ritual of recipe-passing had commenced. She, Mrs Kim, had proved strong, able to cope with the burden of keeping the secret, shoulder the responsibility of guarding the recipe.

Much as she hated to think it, it appeared her daughter might not be so strong.

* * *

Lane was putting Steve and Kwan down for the night when she heard the front door slamming. She left the bedroom to see her mother storming in, with a face like thunder.

"Lane!" she said.

"Yes, Momma?"

"You enjoy my kimchi? It's good, right?"

"Yes, Momma," Lane replied, wondering why her mother was asking this.

"You could ask me for the recipe next time. Stealing is sinful. Shame, Lane."

Lane's face filled with utmost confusion. Was her mother accusing her? It seemed that way.

"Wait, what?" Lane asked.

"My kimchi. The kimchi recipe that we have had in our family for centuries. The kimchi recipe that your great-great-great-great-great-grandmother Lu Wing was first in the matriarchal line to introduce. Are you aware it's at that Luke's Diner? Why?"

"Momma, no. I could never, would never. Besides you told me that I wasn't to know the recipe until I was thirty, and you've never let me enter the kitchen on kimchi Tuesdays. So there's no way."

"Ah yes. Hmm. But that doesn't explain why it's at Luke's. Someone has gotten their thieving devil hands on it somehow."

"Wait. Am I the first person you've asked about this?" Lane asked, hurt by her mother's accusations about something so serious. "You're accusing me of stealing your kimchi?!"

"No."

"You are"

"No," repeated the immovable Mrs Kim.

"Um..yeah."

"Don't speak to your mother like that," snapped Mrs Kim. "For your information I made inquiries at Luke's."

"No. NO, I did not steal your special kimchi recipe. But whoever did, could you blame them?! You're not the only one in the world allowed to make it."

The moment the words had left Lane's mouth, she regretted it. She could see the words hurt her mother, shaken by Lane's blasphemy.

At that point, her husband Zack walked through the door, carrying a six pack.

Her mother looked at Zack, considering him for a second, but Lane knew that although her mother might be beginning to believe her, she was also starting to suspect that everyone in Stars Hollow was responsible for the heinous kimchi crime.

Mrs Kim's eyes shifted back to Lane's. Clearly even in her current state of paranoia, she couldn't picture Zack as a criminal mastermind, yet alone capable of such a betrayal.

"I will be back," her mother said, still not clearly convinced of Lane's innocence, and possibly suspecting Kwan and Steve.

"Goodnight, Momma!" Lane shouted after Mrs Kim as she made her way home through the shadow of the night.

* * *

"I got here as fast as I could," said Rory. "Where's Luke?"

"Down a rabbit hole somewhere," said Lorelai, frantically ignoring the customers. "He left me in charge. Fancy some coffee?"

"Couldn't Caesar look after the place?" asked Rory. "And yes to the coffee."

Pouring from the pot, Lorelai said, "He disappeared too, into the night, like a runaway Paul Anka. Luke's formed a solo Caesar search party, and I get to run this place."

"Can I have some more kimchi," interrupted Kirk.

"Sure, Kirk-" began Rory.

"Sorry, only one portion per customer," Lorelai squealed. "Luke's enforced rationing until Caesar's return."

"Kirk needs kimchi!" howled Kirk.

"I know who makes great kimchi," said an excited Rory. "Maybe I could get Mrs Kim to-"

"Don't go there," warned Lorelai. "She was the one who scared Caesar away in the first place, or abducted him and is force-feeding him his stolen kimchi if you believe Babette. Anyway, don't worry, I've got the kitchen situation all under control. My culinary skills are legendary."

"So, you've asked Sookie to come over?" Rory asked.

"She said she was busy,"

"Let me guess, you've ordered takeout for the entire diner,"

Lorelai gave a guilty smile. "I'm still providing all the coffee," she said, filling up a cup on the counter, then drinking it.

It was going to be a long night.

Mrs Kim had a sleepless and restless night, almost waking Mr Kim, as she tossed and turned, considering the people of Stars Hollow, wondering who could have committed this ultimate of crimes.

She looked up at the hollow stars and vowed to get that vengeance. For herself. For Momma. For Lu Wing. For all of her ancestors.


	4. Kindred Spirits

**Chapter Four - Kindred Spirits**

Michel was standing in the reception of the Dragonfly Inn, not even pretending to look busy, when _she_ walked in. He'd never met her, only ever heard about her from Lorelai and Sookie, but he recognized her immediately.

He was almost lost for words. "You are Madame Kim, yes?"

She looked at him silently, with the kind of disdain that Michel himself would usually only reserve for others. Practically everything about her whispered the Anti-Lorelai.

"Aren't you simply adorable?" he said, leaning forward and pinching her cheeks.

She stared at him harder now, scowling, a look on her face that suggested it wasn't just Rory's little friend Lane who buried things beneath the floorboards.

"Go on then, say something," Michel prompted her.

"Did you steal kimchi recipe?" she finally asked.

"Do you emphasize your accent just to add disdain?" he asked, genuinely interested.

"Yes."

"Me too," said Michel gleefully.

"Did you steal recipe?" Mrs Kim asked him again.

"No, I did not," confessed Michel. "But I hear you're a vegan, very healthy. "

"I have no time for chit chatter," said Mrs Kim. "I am here for Sookie."

"She is busy with her cookeryness, and normally I don't let people through, but for you. Madame Kim, I will make an exception." He turned towards the kitchen and shouted, "Loyrelaiii!"

Mrs Kim frowned.

"Overdoing the accent?" Michel asked conspiratorially.

Mrs Kim gave an affirmative nod.

"Gooood," Michel said, as Lorelai appeared. "Loyrelaiiiii, Madame Keeem is 'ere to see Sookie."

"Well, what a welcome pleasure-" began Lorelai.

"She doesn't 'ave time for your small talk," he chided Lorelai. "She is 'ere to see Sookie. Be queek about it. You 'ave to forgive her, Madame Keem, so so rude."

Lorelai took Michel aside. "Gee, you could have given us a bit more warning," she said, thinking she was the boss just because she was. "You know Sookie needs prep time when it comes to confrontation."

"And still you continue with the bleh bleh bleh," moaned Michel, as he led Lorelai back to Mrs Kim and waved them off. "Au revoir, Madame Kim, let's do lunch."

* * *

It was an exciting day in the Dragonfly Inn's kitchen and nothing could dampen Sookie's mood. All the fresh ingredients lay there in front of her, causing all sorts of connections to form in her brain.

She almost didn't notice Lorelai come in, and was that Mrs Kim with her?

"Mrs Kim," she said breezily. "Great to see you. Do you want some green tea?" she asked, moving over to the stove. "I can put the kettle on," she said, and did so, ready to enjoy a friendly cup of tea with a friend she hadn't quite yet made.

"Sookie. take it off again," ordered Mrs Kim. "I did not come for tea, I came for you."

Startled, Sookie wondered if she looked as much of a deer in headlights as she felt. "For me?"

"Do you know how to make kimchi?"

Sookie felt relief flood through her. It was all about food, a realm in which she held no fear. She looked behind Mrs Kim at Lorelai, who frantically miming zipping her lips. She clearly knew she could rely on Sookie to do the talking when it came to tastes. "Yes, I sure do. I don't make it often but sure, the one with cabbage in, right?"

"A-ha!" yelled Mrs Kim, pointing at her. "You know of its cabbage roots. Did you thieve from my hands? Was that your evil scheme, Sookie."

"N-no, I never would. Cabbage is the main ingredient. I thought everyone knew that."

Lorelai nodded emphatically, as Sookie realized that not everyone knew it.

"You have tasted my kimchi," Mrs Kim said, backing off slightly.

"I don't remember," lied Sookie, because how could anyone forget Mrs Kim's kimchi?

"Of course you remember. No one can forget my delicious kimchi."

"You're right," said Sookie, panicking. "I could never forget it Mrs Kim. It was wonderful. So so so good."

"And you have powerful palate. You know my secret ingredient?"

"Yes, yes, yes, I do," said Sookie, breaking down in tears. How could she not know? The minute she'd tasted that kimchi her taste buds were doing a forensic scan of it. Who knew salad water could so elevate a meal? "But I'd never give away your recipe. Who could do such a terrible thing?"

"There there," said Mrs Kim, almost hugging Sookie, clearly understanding the great weight of knowing such a recipe and being unable to divulge it. "I believe you, Sookie. I must re-evaluate, find the thief, and will not rest till they have paid."

"Speaking of which," said Lorelai, interrupting their moment, "have you seen Caesar? Luke looked around for him all last night, but it's like he's completely vanished."

"Maybe ground swallowed up evil thieving filth pig for his sins," suggested Mrs Kim matter-of-factly.

"Well, it's a possibility," considered Lorelai.

"Would you like that tea now, Mrs Kim?" asked Sookie, knowing that she and Mrs Kim were not slaves to coffee like Lorelai.

"That would be lovely, Sookie. Thank you."

* * *

Lorelai watched as Mrs Kim and Sookie chatted away and drank tea. It seemed everyone at the Dragonfly Inn preferred Mrs Kim's company to hers. Still, the day could only get better.

"Loyrelaiiiii," said Michel, peeking his head through the door and waving at Mrs Kim, "the lovely Emeelee is 'ere to see you."

Lorelai suddenly wished she was the one the ground had swallowed up.


	5. The Unbelievable Truth

**Chapter Five - The Unbelievable Truth**

Emily was standing at the Dragonfly Inn's reception, waiting for her daughter to appear. Punctuality had never been Lorelai's strong point. She checked her watch and, finally, as Emily began to fear she'd take root, Lorelai deigned to make an appearance, with that nice man Michel leading her in.

"Lorelai!" she called, as they approached.

"Yes, Mother," she replied, with no excitement evident, no hint of an apology for her tardiness, but Emily was too polite to point any of this out.

"I've come to bring some business your way," she began. "The Daughters of the American Revolution want to have a meeting here, the last Saturday of the month."

"Sure, that should be no problem," Lorelai said, going behind the reception desk to write it in the book, while Michel made his exit.

"That's excellent. We've got their genealogy results back from Yale, which should be interesting. Although, between you and me, there's a few surprises. Why, Elizabeth -"

"Uh oh!" interrupted Lorelai, ruining her story. "I'm so sorry. We're busy that day"

"This is unbelievable! You can't make room for your mother?"

"TJ's already booked the dining room for Ye Olde Renaissance Beere Festivale." She handed over a leaflet.

Emily regarded the leaflet, shocked to find that it really was spelled like her daughter had pronounced it. "Drink your flagon dry in the Dragonfly Inn? Seriously, Lorelai, did you offer to do the event just so you could try and be funny?"

"We could do any other Saturday afterwards," suggested Lorelai, ignoring the question.

"I don't think the American Revolution had daughters so they could be kept waiting," said Emily, "though it appears I did."

"Leave it with me, Mother," Lorelai added, "I'll see what I can do."

"Be sure you do," Emily advised, and then felt a pair of eyes burning into her. "Why's that woman looking at me? The one who just came in with Michel. She looks familiar."

"Who?" said Lorelai, her gaze following Emily's to a nearby table, where an unlikely couple were chatting. "Oh, Mrs Kim. Don't mind her, she thinks everyone stole her kimchi recipe."

"Oh, I know Mrs Kim. How simply terrible. Poor lady. How devastating for her? … Why is she still looking at me? Have I got something on my face?"

"Maybe she's lip-reading," Lorelai told her unhelpfully. "I think her husband might be deaf, or possibly mute. I've never heard him say anything, though I don't see a lot of him. She keeps him out of the limelight."

"Some people are like that. With Richard, I'm content to stay in the background," Emily said demurely. "Other people don't want their husbands to overshadow them, so they just hide them away."

"Mrs Kim just nodded," said Lorelai, peeking over. "Michel too."

"She's still lip-reading? We can't have her eavesdropping on us like this," Emily said, and then was struck by a marvellous idea. "Why not invite her to Friday night dinner? She should try the food of our new Korean chef."

"You have a Korean chef?" asked Lorelai.

"Not yet, it's only Tuesday," Emily snapped, wondering why she had to explain things so often to her daughter.

"And you want Mrs Kim to come along?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I? According to the DNA, she's practically a sister to Mamie Van Mandelbrot. Besides, it'd be nice to have some mature conversation for a change."

"Maybe you can help her with her stolen recipe investigation. Caesar was making the counterfeit kimchi, but we don't know if he was acting alone. Can't ask him because he's already fled the universe."

"Not Caesar? Oh, that's such a shame," Emily said. "He's helped me out a couple of times at dinners, when no one else was available. Who do you think could have stolen that poor woman's recipe? Hope it's no one you know."

"Stars Hollow's a small place, Mom. I think I know everyone. Still, maybe it's best not knowing who did it. It's bound to be an anti-climax if we ever find out. That's why I always liked Columbo, know who it is right from the beginning."

"Don't you just love a mystery?"

"I prefer answers to questions."

Emily smiled. "Is she still looking at us?" she asked.

"Mrs Kim? No, I think she's lost interest in us," said Lorelai. "We're no longer in the limelight. Relegated to the sidelines like Mr Kim."

"And we know how much you love the limelight, Lorelai. Wouldn't want it stolen from you? Is that why you've never gotten married. Well, not properly, anyway."

"Mom!" began Lorelai, getting all emotional, She must have got that from Richard. As she continued to blab, Emily looked over at Mrs Kim, but she had as little time for her daughter histrionics as Emily did. Still, Emily knew something that would quieten Lorelai down. She took the leaflet for the beer festival and wrote three little words on it: I DID IT!

Lorelai finally stopped moaning long enough to look down at what her mother had written and fell deadly silent.

Emily smiled and walked out of the Dragonfly Inn, turning back to see a shocked and devastated Lorelai standing there, in the wake of her visit. Good, nothing suspicious there.

"See you and Rory on Friday," she shouted as she left. "Be sure to invite Mrs Kim."

Now, time to go home and fire whoever her chef was this week.


	6. A Shaggy Dog Story

**Chapter Six - A Shaggy Dog Story**

Lorelai lay on the couch. "You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this. I'd usually share everything with Rory, or Luke, or Sookie, or anyone who'd listen, but my mother's burdened me with her crazy little secret and I really don't want to burden anyone else. I should really be talking to her about it, but she and my father have both gone incommunicado since she dropped her bombshell. Anyway, I have to tell someone or I'll go crazy, so I'm telling you."

Paul Anka looked up at her with understanding eyes.

"I should just tell Mrs Kim," she said, "put her out of her misery. She must have gone up to everyone in Stars Hollow and accused them. I dread the day she comes up to me - I guess she's waiting until Friday." She looked down at Paul Anka's uncomprehending face. "Oh, didn't I tell you, Mom got me to invite Mrs Kim to Friday night dinner. I felt terrible asking her, first having to interrupt her and Michel's tête-à-tête, and then having to bite my tongue while I invited her, trying to keep mum about Mom. I can't think why my malevolent mother wanted her to come along. Does she just want to gloat? Is Dad going to suggest a global kimchi franchise? Oh boy."

Before Paul could offer any opinion, Lorelai continued, "I'm still not even sure why she told me she stole it, or if she's telling me the truth. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Sure, making it all up, knowing I'd be unable to tell anybody but my dog about it, would be a cruel and unusual thing to do, but that fits Emily Gilmore to a tee."

Paul Anka's eyes stared into hers. "You're right. She has a wicked way of getting under my skin. But I still can't betray her. Besides, if Mrs Kim finds out, she may never forgive the Gilmores. I know for a fact that my parents wouldn't let me hear the end of it if I squealed on Mom. And once Mrs Kim knows she did it, there goes Rory's friendship with Lane. We may all get swallowed up by the earth."

Paul Anka looked at her judgmentally.

"Okay, so I don't think Mrs Kim is responsible for Caesar's disappearance. However, his disappearance suggests that the recipe has indeed been stolen, though goodness knows how my mother could have gotten hold of it. I can't imagine she had Dad dressed in figure-hugging black, infiltrating the Kim residence while the Kims were snoozing."

Paul Anka buried his face in his paws.

"You're right, Mrs Kim is relentless, the longer I wait to tell her the worse things will get. The town's already starting to react; there's talk that Mrs Kim will be the main subject of the town meeting on Saturday. It's going to be Stars Hollow versus Mrs Kim and I could stop it all just by telling her… but I can't. And so it all escalates... "

Her phone rang, and Paul Anka rushed off as Lorelai answered it.

"Hello, Rory. Hi, no nothing much happening here. No, still no word on the kimchi thief." Why did Rory have to ask that? Why did she have to lie? Why did Emily have to be on her way to becoming Stars Hollow's Enemy Number One? "What? I sounded strange? No, nothing's wrong here. I must be coming down with a cold or something. Anyway, see you on Friday for dinner with your grandparents. Bye..."

As the call ended, Paul Anka returned and Lorelai stroked him with her tear-stained hand.

* * *

It was dark. It was night. It was a dark night. The kind of night when Kirk needed kimchi. With Luke's rationing still in force, there was only one woman Kirk could turn to, the woman who put the Kim into kimchi.

Kirk knocked on her door, hoping he wasn't interrupting a prayer meeting, though if there was a God, surely He'd want Kirk to have Kimchi.

The door opened, and she was standing there, staring at him with so much unpleasantness she reminded Kirk of his mother.

"Mrs Kim, my name is Kirk," he began.

"I know who you are, Kirk," she replied. It was her usual conversational gambit.

"Then you'll know why I'm here," he said, adjusting his fedora.

"Did you steal my kimchi recipe?" she screeched, reminding Kirk even more of his mother.

"No, but I can help you find out who did." He gave her one of his cards. One with goldfish whisperer crossed out and private investigator written over it. These were just two of his talents, for Kirk was a master of all trades. Even now he was thinking of making a film noir or fanfiction chapter out of tonight's events. It was no wonder that people throughout the world associated the name Kirk with enterprise.

"You help me? Ha, yes," she said, interrupting his thoughts of multitasking. "Impressive. I don't care what Luke say."

"In return for my legwork, walking around Stars Hollow and skulking," this job played to Kirk's strengths, "I'll need recompense, in the shape of kimchi."

"Come inside, Kirk, we discuss," she said, excitedly leading him in.

Kirk walked in on the prayer meeting, but that didn't matter. Soon he would have his kimchi.

* * *

Lorelai didn't know what time it was, but it didn't matter. As she walked the never ending streets of Stars Hollow, she passed the town troubadour on one of the street corners, singing 'Every Breath You Take'.

"I can't do this any longer," she said. "I'm going to tell Mrs Kim."

Paul Anka looked up at her. "Is that a good idea?" he seemed to ask.

"No time like the present," Lorelai responded as she kicked down Mrs Kim's door. Walking in, she was impressed with how spacious it all was. Just like a Tardis, it appeared to be far bigger on the inside.

Mrs Kim sat on a chair in the middle of what appeared to be the hollowed-out volcano in which she lived, stroking an antique vase. "Come in, Ms Gilmore and Mr Anka, I've been expecting you."

"I have to tell you something," said Lorelai. "My mother stole the kimchi recipe."

"I bet you say that in every dream," said legendary singer Paul Anka, while Mrs Kim just threw back her head and laughed.

"Don't you think I already know that?" said Mrs Kim, as she spun her chair round to face her henchman, who stepped out of the shadows.

"Loyrelaiiiii!" cooed Michel, waving with one hand as he pressed a button with the other. "Love you, Paul Anka!"

Suddenly a giant holographic presentation filled the air, with the title SUSPECTS in huge scary flaming letters, and covered in millions of faces, including Lorelai's and both Paul Ankas'. All of the faces were covered with crosses, except one. An enlarged photo of Emily Gilmore took center stage, with the words 'thief pig' flashing beneath it.

Lorelai looked at Michel, then at a smiling Mrs Kim, then at a waving Mr Kim, and finally at Kirk who was attempting to explain things by the means of interpretive dance, in the way he'd done in so many of Lorelai's previous nightmares.

"You have to forgive my mother," Lorelai begged Mrs Kim.

"She must pay," said Mrs Kim, pressing a button on her chair. "Holy hellfire will rain down on her. The countdown to mass global destruction begins. That will teach her to steal ancient kimchi recipe." And with that, Mrs Kim threw back her head and laughed and laughed and laughed while Kirk threw his shapes in the background.

The next thing Lorelai knew she was in bed, waking up, Paul Anka the dog now licking her face.

"It was a nightmare, Paul Anka," she told him. "But at least now I know what my subconsciousness wants me to do. When Mrs Kim asks me on Friday if I stole her recipe, I'm blowing the whistle on my mother. Even if it does mean Mrs Kim causes mass destruction." She looked down at her concerned hound, "Don't fret, Paul Anka, I can recall plenty of Fridays when things have gone a lot worse."


	7. Not The Worst Friday Night Dinner Ever

**Chapter Seven - Not The Worst Friday Night Dinner Ever**

Lorelai looked at the door in front of her. It was warm outside, but the atmosphere inside threatened to be either sub-zero or Fahrenheit 45. Or a mixture of both once this night got going.

"Well, we're here," said Lorelai. "Are you sure you don't have an excuse for me to not be here?"

"Mom!" protested Rory.

"Okaaay," said Lorelai, as her finger hovered near the doorbell, not quite pressing it.

"Have you and Grandma had a row again or something?" asked Rory.

"Not exactly. It's Mrs Kim, she's been invited," Lorelai mumbled.

"Mrs Kim? Why?"

"Oh, you know Emily Gilmore. The most naturally friendly and gregarious lady in all of Connecticut… a ringing endorsement for welcome mats."

"Friendly? Gregarious?" echoed Rory. "I have never heard those words used to describe grandma. Am I in Bizarro World? This really feels like Bizarro World."

Lorelai thought about the way things had been going lately and her recent dreams. "I think we might be, kid, I think we might be."

"But Mrs Kim," said Rory. "I didn't think Grandma even knew her well enough for one of her grand dinners."

"I don't know the way my mother's brain works," replied Lorelai. "Or even if she knows how to work it. It's probably best not knowing." Her finger threatened to push the doorbell. "Shall we go in then? Awaken the dragon?" Her finger ever so slowly approached the doorbell for fear of what was coming.

"Mom, ring the bell!" said an exasperated Rory.

"So jumping off a cliff's not an option then?"

"No, Logan would sue us for copyright." Rory pressed her mother's finger which pressed the doorbell. "Don't worry, some dragons can be nice like Figment."

"There's a reason he's called Figment, you know," said Lorelai, as the latest maid opened the door to them.

"Aaaaayyy, welcome, come in, come in," said the maid. "I take your coats, yes?"

Lorelai passed the maid her coat, all the while wondering whether Mrs Kim had arrived yet, hoping she hadn't. She needed to speak with Emily privately.

Whilst thanking the maid, both Rory and Lorelai suddenly heard raised voices coming from the dining room. It looked like they'd skipped the pre-dinner drinks and gone straight to the arguing. It was Mrs Kim and Emily engaged in a battle of short sentences:

"Some things can't be bought, it's priceless."

"I want it!"

"You can't have it!"

"Name your price."

And so the staccato haggling continued. Here and there, there'd be a failed attempt by Richard to deflect things with weak Yale anecdotes, which was met with a unified "Be quiet, Richard," from both her mother and Mrs Kim.

Lorelai and Rory walked into the dining room, unobserved during the heated exchange.

"Definitely not Figment," Lorelai whispered to Rory.

"Do you think they'll notice if we leave?" Rory whispered back.

Lorelai was about to respond when Mrs Kim turned on her.

"Lorelai, talk sense into your mother. I offer her good money for this dinner table."

"I should indeed talk sense into her," said Lorelai, seeing an opening. "Maybe I should talk to her alone."

"Nonsense, Lorelai," said Emily. "You know we could never part with this table. It's been in the family for generations."

"Very well," said Mrs Kim. "I can be patient. Wear you down."

Emily smiled. "We'll see," she said, as her gaze turned to Lorelai and Rory. "You should both sit down. It's time for dinner. Our new Korean chef has cooked us all something special."

"Is it kimchi?" asked Mrs Kim.

"No, I don't think so," said Emily.

"You ate my kimchi once," continued Mrs Kim. "Asked me for the recipe. I said no."

"Really?" said Emily, her fingers stroking her chin. "I don't remember that. Do you, Richard?"

"Indeed I do," said Richard. "I can't remember where exactly, one of the Stars Hollow events Rory invited us to."

"The kimchi festival?" suggested Lorelai, attempting to inject some humor.

"It was simply delicious," continued Richard, ignoring Lorelai. "We liked it so much, we bought some to take home. You should consider starting a franchise."

"I do not need franchise. I need kimchi recipe not to be stolen."

"Yes, I heard about that. It's dreadful," said Emily, as the maid put some Korean food down in front of her. "Who could do such a thing?"

"It was Caesar," said a stoic Mrs Kim, receiving her meal. "But I do not think he works alone."

"Because he works with Luke. Ha, get it?" said Lorelai, as she looked around at her unappreciative audience. Her gaze moved down to the plate placed in front of her. "What is this?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

"It's kimbap," Richard told her.

"Rory loved Hanson," said Lorelai, though she knew only she and Rory would get the reference.

Mrs Kim looked at her food suspiciously. Surely she didn't have a secret recipe for every Korean dish containing her name.

"I think it's vegan," Richard reassured her.

"Yes. I know. I was not born yesterday," said Mrs Kim. "I just don't like kimbap. Though I like MMMBop. Hanson are good boys, though need haircut bad like Dean."

"I'm sorry," said Emily, ever the charming host to anyone but Lorelai. "Can we get you something else? Fredrika, make-"

"I just want the facts," Mrs Kim interrupted, going all Joe Friday, though Lorelai realized this was the perfect day of the week for it.

"The facts?" said her mother. Lorelai winced, it was back to the short sentences again.

"Do you know Caesar?" asked Mrs Kim.

"Yes, I know Caesar," said her mother, no doubt attempting to confuse Mrs Kim with honesty.

"Do you know where Caesar is?"

"No, I don't," her mother insisted.

"This is a large house," said Mrs Kim. "Can I look round?"

"Well, you can't go to the pool house. That's being renovated," said Emily. "But otherwise feel free. I can show you around."

"You stay, enjoy your kimbap," said Mrs Kim, getting to her feet. "I go look."

"Rats. Now I can't get that kimbap song out of my head," said Lorelai, poking at her food, not feeling particularly hungry.

"I really should take care of our guest," said Emily, getting to her feet and leaving the room.

"Me too," said Lorelai in hot pursuit. Once out of the dining room, she dashed after Emily and managed to confront her before she'd found Mrs Kim, who had seemingly vanished. "Mom, we need to talk," she said, gesturing towards an empty room.

"Can't it wait? I really should be looking after our guest," said Emily, though she could see Lorelai wasn't going to take no for an answer.

And so they found themselves in Richard's study, just the two of them, the door firmly closed, their privacy assured.

"Why, Mom?"

"Why what, Lorelai? Do you have to be so melodramatic?"

"Why did you steal her recipe?"

"I didn't steal it," Emily said defiantly. "What do you take me for? I cloned it."

"You cloned it? Is that supposed to be better? First Mrs Kim has a volcanic lair and now you're a mad scientist?"

"A volcanic lair? What on earth are you babbling about now? And, yes, I said I cloned it. Why not? She wouldn't give me the recipe, but we'd taken some and refrigerated it. Caesar was unable to duplicate it, but when the DAR needed their DNA testing, Richard had the idea to get the whole of the science faculty to analyse the kimchi."

"And you gave the recipe to Caesar so he could take it to Stars Hollow and rub Mrs Kim's taste buds in it."

"No, I gave it to him to make it for us, to see if we had the recipe right, but he wanted to share it with the world rather than keep it to ourselves. How selfish."

Lorelai sat down. "This is all too much. Don't say you had Caesar transported out of the country."

"Don't be ridiculous, he's in the pool house. Didn't you notice the clever way I distracted her away from there?"

"And Luke's been looking for Caesar all week," said an angry Lorelai. "That's when he's not been heating up the remaining jars of kimchi."

"What does it matter?" Emily said. "She'll never find out. You wouldn't tell her, would you?"

"No, Mom, That's where you're wrong. The moment she asks me, I'm telling her. I can't lie to the poor woman anymore. It's not right! Plus, I may be a teeny tiny bit afraid of what she might end up doing next. But, yes, it's not right.

"You really think she'll believe you?" asked Emily.

"I don't care, as long as I don't have to keep your secret any longer. You only told me because you knew what it would do to me."

"I told you because I needed to tell someone, someone I could trust" said Emily.

"Trust? You mean torture! Messing with my mind is your speciality. You might wanna trademark that, Mom."

"Don't you dare tell her, Lorelai Gilmore," Emily warned, as Lorelai stormed out of the room.

* * *

Rory looked down at her half-eaten kimbap. It wasn't as good as the Hanson version.

"I miss my meat," grumbled her grandfather, who'd had as much success finishing his kimbap as she had.

"Me too," said Rory. "But Mrs Kim is vegan."

"I know," said Richard, with a shrug. "It's hard being the perfect host."

"Why did you invite Mrs Kim?" asked Rory.

"Heaven knows, you'll have to ask your Grandmother," he replied. "If she ever returns, that is. It's best to leave her to it once she gets going."

"Grandpa," said Rory. "I have something to tell you, something you need to know."

Richard looked at her, smiling. "Of course. You know you can tell me anything."

"I hate to tell you this though," said Rory, looking back down at her kimbap.

"Rory? Is anything wrong?" asked a worried Richard.

Rory could feel the tears forming in her eyes, but there was no going back now. "It's Grandma…" she started.

"Emily?" said Richard, shifting in his seat. "What about her? Is she-"

Rory got up from her seat and whispered in her grandfather's ear, "She stole Mrs Kim's kimchi recipe."

There, she'd told her grandfather the terrible news about his wife, her grandmother. She just hoped he'd have the strength to cope. She could feel the emotions flooding his body, as he started shaking, and then he was convulsed with laughter.

"You knew?" Rory gasped.

"Of course, I knew," said Richard, between guffaws. "I just didn't know you knew."

"Grandma phoned me and told me," said Rory, pleased that her grandfather had survived the news, though saddened that she hadn't broken the story. "I guess she had to share it with someone. I'm just glad to get it off my chest."

"I guess she would tell you rather than Lorelai," said Richard. "You know what a blabbermouth your mother can be."

Rory nodded. "No way she could keep Grandma's secret."

* * *

Lorelai cursed that her parent's house had to be so big. She was looking for Mrs Kim, but had yet to find her. Finally, admitting defeat, she returned to the dining room, though considering how long she'd been looking, dinner might have already been over.

Of course, the moment she entered the dining room, there was Mrs Kim, sitting there, interrogating Emily.

"Who's staying at the pool house?" asked Mrs Kim.

"No one," replied her mother shamefacedly. "Why?"

"I spot light on in there," replied Mrs Kim.

"Must have been a workman," suggested Emily.

"I see no trace of work tools or renovation when I peer through windows."

"It's almost finished," said Emily calmly, a smile perma-glued to her face.

"Your chef say he be making extra meals for guest," said Mrs Kim.

"Of course, we treat Fredrika very well," Emily lied. "Oh, Lorelai, where have you been. Just in time for dessert, though we still have lots of kimbap left. Fredrika! Where is that girl? She's living on borrowed time."

"I do not need dessert," said Mrs Kim. "It would not take bitter taste from my mouth. I must leave."

"Wait, Mrs Kim, I have something to tell you," Lorelai said, desperate to tell her what she knew.

"Me too," added her daughter. "There's something I wanted to discuss." Though whatever Rory had to discuss could never compare to Lorelai's bombshell.

"Yes, why don't you ask them whether they know anything?" said Emily, smiling.

"No time. I need to find the truth," said Mrs Kim, as she made her way out of the dining room, just as Fredrika entered.

"So, Mrs Gilmore, what you wanting?"

"Just desserts," said Lorelai, staring daggers at her mother, just as she ended up doing most Friday nights.


	8. Mrs Kim Gets Around

**Chapter Eight - Mrs Kim Gets Around**

It was Saturday morning, and Lorelai was on a mission, quite possibly the toughest mission of her life. She was going to tell Mrs Kim the truth, there was just no going back. Nothing could stop her, but first she needed her coffee.

"Just the coffee this morning, Luke, make it double," she said, as she entered his diner. "I'm on a mission. Off to see Mrs Kim."

"I think I know who did it," said Luke.

"You do?" asked Lorelai, surprised, not to mention pleased. If Luke knew her mother did it, there was no longer this secret between them. Plus, he could be the one to break the news to Mrs Kim that Emily was behind it."

"I heard from Caesar last night," said Luke.

"You did? Why didn't you call?"

"I know I should have," said Luke.

"Yes, you should," replied a hurt Lorelai. "You know I wouldn't keep secrets from you."

"But he was on the phone to me half the night. By the time he'd finished, you'd have been off hanging around with legendary crooner Paul Anka."

"I forgive you," said Lorelai, "if you'll kindly pour my coffee. So, how is Caesar?"

"He sounded terrible, like he couldn't take anymore. He even thought he saw Mrs Kim prowling around outside last night. No clue what's up with that."

"Oh no!" gasped Lorelai, with amazing acting ability.

"And that's not the worst thing," continued Luke. "He says that the couple who he's staying with are driving him crazy. Especially the woman, with her grating voice."

"And he said who they were?"

"He didn't need to say. I think it's pretty obvious," said Luke, impressing Lorelai that he had brains as well as good looks.

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Well, as soon as the morning rush ends, I'm going round there. I'm going to bring back Caesar."

"My hero," said Lorelai, partly because of his words, but mainly because he'd poured her coffee. "Why don't you go and tell Mrs Kim?"

"No, I'd rather keep it in the family," Luke told her.

"You consider my parents your family?" asked Lorelai, feeling tears coming to her eyes.

"No, not your parents," said Luke. "TJ and Liz. Haven't you been listening?"

"Oh, of course," said Lorelai, backing away with her hands clutching her coffee. "Good luck with seizing Caesar." And with that, she rushed out of the diner, and towards Kim's Antiques. It was time to get something off her chest, and hopefully once Mrs Kim knew, she could then get Caesar to return before Luke and TJ were resorting to fisticuffs.

And then she got to Kim's Antiques and saw the 'Closed' sign on the door. Undaunted, she knocked and knocked, but to no avail. Slowly, she realized she was being watched and turned around.

"It's no use knocking," said Kirk. "I've already tried. We'll have to get our kimchi elsewhere."

* * *

It had been a long day and Lorelai had been busy at the Dragonfly Inn, but now, while Michel was away and Sookie was busy in the kitchen, she saw an opportunity to sneak away and try and see Mrs Kim again.

She'd almost made it to the door when she heard his dulcet tones:

"Loyrelaiii! Where are you sneaking off to?"

"Oh, Michel, my watch must be fast."

"You can sneak off if you want," said her new best friend Michel. "Just tell me where you're sneaking off to."

"I need to see Mrs Kim," she replied, figuring honesty was the best policy.

"No, really," said Michel.

"No, I'm really going to see Mrs Kim."

"Youuuu?" questioned Michel. "Madame Keeeem? Why would you need to see 'er, unless… unless… You know who stole the receepee, don't you?"

"No, nothing like that," lied Lorelai.

"Loyrelaiii, Loyrelaiii, Loyrelaiii," mispronounced Michel, "you're such a bad liar."

"Alright, Michel," she said, breaking down. "You're right. I can't hide it any longer. I know who did it. I even have dreams about it. Last night, I was with Paul Anka-"

"The singer? The man who mistranslated My Way and added feelthy spitting?"

"No, Paul Anka my dog."

"Weird. You never dream joost about your dog."

"I know. Anyway, it was just like Scooby Doo."

"Who ees thees Scooby Doo?" asked Michel.

"He's a cartoon dog. You must have heard of Scooby Doo."

Michel just shrugged.

"He solves crimes."

"But 'ow can that be? 'E's a dog. Poor Paw-Paw doesn't solve crimes."

"Scooby's a Great Dane."

"I don't care how great 'e is, 'e still can't solve crimes."

"Anyway, Paul Anka was being Scooby Doo, and we'd just caught Old Man Smithers."

"Who ees thees Old Man Smithers?"

"It doesn't matter," Lorelai snapped. "Well, actually it does, because we pulled off his mask and underneath was…."

"Who? You must tell me."

"Sorry, Michel, I can't. I can tell Mrs Kim but not you."

"You're a bad friend, Loyrelaiii," sulked Michel.

Lorelai looked at Michel, with his sad expression. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to share. Someone had to know besides herself and her parents.

"Okay, Michel, but you're sworn to secrecy."

Michel gave a wide smile. "You're my best friend in the 'ole world, Loyrelaiii. You know you can trust me."

Lorelai whispered into Michel's ear.

"Emeeeleeee!?" gasped Michel. "Jinkies!"

* * *

Once again, Lorelai went to Kim's Antiques. Once again she knocked and knocked and knocked. Once again, she felt herself being watched.

"You clearly have a problem, Lorelai," said Kirk, and gave her one of his kimchi addiction counselor cards.

* * *

It was an hour later and almost everyone was gathered for the town meeting, although the main source of conversation, Mrs Kim, was conspicuous by her absence.

"Is there anyone in town she hasn't interrogated yet?" asked Taylor.

"She's been venturing further afield," said Lorelai. "Rory phoned just before I got here. Apparently she just paid her a visit out of the blue."

* * *

Rory had been lounging in Logan's apartment. Emily and Richard had visited her a week earlier, some business at Yale, but now she was all alone.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Not her grandparents again? Rory made her way to the door, opening it, as lightning filled the sky outside, and she saw Mrs Kim standing there.

"Hello, Rory," Mrs Kim said. "Is Logan here?"

"No, he's in London," replied a confused Rory.

"Did he steal kimchi recipe?" Asked Mrs Kim.

"No," gasped Rory. "Why would he?"

"Lane tells me he's in the Brigade of Death and Life. He likes to do life-threatening activities. And he's a thief. I hear he steals trinkets."

"He's changed," insisted Rory.

"Boys do not change," said Mrs Kim, and vanished into the night.

* * *

"Logan?" said Miss Patty. "Is she going through all of Rory's boyfriends?"

"She's already asked me," said Dean, with a flick of his hair. "Said I'd spied on her at Doose's while she bought her ingredients. I denied it, but she continued to interrogate me, called me Spawn of Hanson, and finally told me to get a haircut."

"Speaking of Rory's exes," Lorelai felt the need to add her ten dollars' worth, "Jess will be on the open road on his motorbike, when Mrs Kim will pull up alongside him on her antique Harley." She waited for the inevitable burst of laughter.

* * *

Jess was on the bus, reading through a draft Rory had emailed him of a so-called autobiographical novel she was working on. Not that he recognised anything in the small town antics of Gilly Rormore. Admittedly, the lion-maned Dale seemed a nice guy but this guy Joss seemed a total jerk.

Suddenly the bus pulled to a halt, as the rain splattered down against the window. The driver opened the door, and spoke to someone outside.

"Is there a Jess here?" The driver shouted back.

Jess got up, dropping the manuscript and made his way forward. He looked down, outside, and saw the real reason he'd left Stars Hollow in the first place. It was Mrs Kim, drenched in rain, that look on her face she always had on her face.

"Mrs Kim?" he asked.

"Did you steal my kimchi recipe?" she asked.

"Huh? No," he replied.

"Hm. Very well," said Mrs Kim. "You can continue, bus driver."

Jess was about to say something, but suddenly there was a flash of lightning, and Mrs Kim had disappeared.

* * *

Lorelai was sitting there, still waiting for the town meeting to burst into laughter at her hilarious 'antique Harley' imagery. Not even Luke and TJ, with their matching black eyes, had cracked a smile. That was when her phone rang. Seeing it was Emily, she reluctantly answered. "Mom?... Who did you say was there?" She put the phone down. "It's Mrs Kim versus my mom. This is going to end in a samurai duel at dawn. I can feel it."

"That's a bit racist," said Kirk, pulling up his trench coat. "Now, how about we ask Luke when the kimchi rationing will end?"

"I heard you got it unlimited," shouted Babette.

"Mrs Kim and I have different ideas of unlimited," replied Kirk. "Plus, she's skipped town and left me and Lorelai to go cold turkey."

And so it went on, throughout the night, all talk revolving, in some way or another, around Mrs Kim. Finally the meeting reached its climax and everyone tumbled out into the night.

Lorelai was walking along, when she saw a dishevelled Mrs Kim walking toward her.

"Lorelai," she said, "your mother is a formidable opponent."

And with that, having left Lorelai speechless for once, Mrs Kim disappeared into the night


	9. Questions Needing Answers

**Chapter Nine - Questions Needing Answers**

Lorelai had the sort of curiosity that killed so many cats. She simply had to know what had gone on that night between her mother and Mrs Kim, and so, against all her instincts, she drove round to her parents' house on a non-Friday. All of this drama, over some silly kimchi. You just couldn't make it up.

She rang the doorbell without her usual hesitancy, for once eager to confront her mother. She waited and shuffled around and was just about to press the doorbell again when the door was opened by a familiar figure.

"Fredrika? Still working here? By my mother's standards that qualifies you for a long service award."

Fredrika's face showed the confusion that her parents' faces usually showed at Lorelai's humor, but she soon bounced back. "Aaaaayyy, welcome, come in, come in," Fredrika said. "I take your coat, yes?"

"Thank you," Lorelai said, passing over her coat. "My parents won't be expecting me."

Fredrika smiled at her. "Don't worry, I announce you," she said, and then yelled,

"Lorelai here!"

Richard walked in. "Lorelai, what an unexpected surprise. We had someone else just visit and that seemed to last forever, but surely it's not Friday again already."

"I heard about Mrs Kim's visit, Dad," said Lorelai. "Just checking up on Mom and wondered what it was all about."

"I'm afraid your mother needed some rest," Richard said. "She's retired to bed. As for their meeting, the details are strictly confidential."

"I know that Mom stole the kimchi recipe," Lorelai said.

"Oh, you do?" said Richard sheepishly.

"And that it was your idea to clone it."

"I only said it in jest, Lorelai," said Richard, "but for once she listened to me and took me seriously. How could I have predicted that?"

"Richard!" came her mother's voice. "Is that Lorelai down there? Did you let me sleep till Friday."

Lorelai's eyes looked up and saw her mother, looking as dishevelled as Mrs Kim had been earlier, heading down the stairs.

"Mom, are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay," replied Emily. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I was afraid you and Mrs Kim had a samurai duel at dawn," Lorelai said, and immediately regretted it when she looked at their uncomprehending disapproving faces.

"Preposterous," said Emily. "What are you babbling about? Do I look as if I'm skilled in the use of a katana or a wakishazi?"

"They were just conducting business," added Richard, just before Lorelai had time to ask her mother about how she knew so much about samurai combat.

"Business?" asked Lorelai."What kind of business?"

"Grown-up business," said Emily. "I really don't see how it's anything to do with you, Lorelai. Besides, it will be all over with by tomorrow. Haven't you heard about Sunday night's town meeting?"

"But we've just had a town meeting," said Lorelai.

* * *

"But we've just had a town meeting," said Luke as Kirk delivered the news.

"I'm on a mission from Mrs Kim," explained Kirk. "She needs the whole town together in one room. It's about her stolen kimchi recipe. The endgame's afoot."

"All this over some stolen recipe? Next she'll be calling in the cops ," said Luke.

"Mrs Kim works outside the law," replied Kirk. "The cops don't care about kimchi," he added, then aggressively licked his lips. "Mrs Kim's mystery is heading toward the final chapter."

"Does this mean she's actually found Caesar?" asked Luke.

"All will be revealed tomorrow," said Kirk enigmatically, lowering the brim of his fedora.

* * *

Rory picked up the phone. "Hi, Mom, how's things?... You went to Grandma's again? Why would you do that?... Yes, I'm sitting down. I can take it."

Rory steeled herself, ready for whatever news Lorelai was about to throw at her, though she didn't have long, because her mother wasn't even drawing breath as she told Rory her big news.

"Breathe, Mom, breathe," Rory urged her. "Yes, I heard what you said, 'Grandma stole the kimchi recipe'. I'm shocked and stunned, truly I am."

Rory decided not to tell her mom she'd already known. After all, Emily had entrusted her and only her with that particular secret.

"She kept that quiet," continued Rory.

As her mother concurred, Rory noticed she had another call waiting. "Anyway, Mom, got to go now. Lane's on the line. I'll be there tomorrow in time for that town meeting... Yes, three town meetings in a row. Taylor will think all his Christmases have come at once, or at least three of them."

Rory switched lines. "Hi, Lane. Yes, I heard about the town meeting. Of course, I'll be there. So, your mother's going to reveal who stole the kimchi recipe? I can't wait to find out, though hope it's nothing that comes between us… No, I've no idea why I just said that. Oh, your mom's on the other line. Yeah, sure I'll hold."

Rory sat there, a queasy feeling suddenly inhabiting her stomach. Even now Mrs Kim would be telling Lane what evil filth pigs the Gilmores were, people you couldn't trust your kimchi with. She was thinking of just hanging up now, before their lifelong friendship switched to Lane becoming her arch-nemesis, when she heard Lane's voice back on the line.

"You need my help?" asked Rory. "You need to ask me something?" She took a deep breath. "Sure, Lane, ask me anything. You know you can trust me. What? Did you really ask me that? You need to come up with a band name for your mom?"

* * *

"But we've just had a town meeting," said Taylor. "And that was on top of our regular Thursday one."

"Do you really want to argue with Mrs Kim?" asked Kirk.

"Well, when you put it like that," he said, resignation in his voice.

And so he closed his door on Kirk, as so many people had closed their doors on Kirk that night, but unlike the others, Taylor's face had a huge grin on it.

"Three meetings in a week?" he mused to himself, as he struggled to stop himself skipping with glee. "Yes!"

* * *

Mrs Kim was standing in her shop, among her antiques, looking over at some vases that had been there for a very very long time. She'd once told Lane that they contained the spirits of her ancestors, in order to ensure that her young daughter was careful around them, and Lane, being Lane, had taken her seriously.

Now, Mrs Kim looked at the vases, and remembered the long line of her ancestors who'd guarded the kimchi recipe, and she wondered if what she was planning to do tomorrow night was the right thing.

She looked at them for guidance and hoped the vases would have nodded, but they didn't, because they were vases.


	10. Mrs Kim Explains It All

**Chapter Ten - Mrs Kim Explains It All**

Saturday evening had arrived and the whole of the Stars Hollow community had gathered at Miss Patty's school of ballet for Mrs Kim's impromptu town meeting.

Taylor Doose took the stage. "Before this begins, I'd just like to make it clear that this is not an official town meeting," he informed everyone.

"Thank goodness for that," came Babette's voice.

"Go, Mrs Kim! Go!" yelled Sookie.

Lorelai wasn't quite as eager, as she waited for Mrs Kim to take the stage and lambast her mother. She wouldn't know whether to cheer or boo. She looked at Rory, sitting beside her, also apprehensive.

And then the lights went down.

"Why has it gone dark?" asked Lorelai. "Have I been struck blind for my mother's misdemeanours?"

"No, Mom," said Rory. "Or I've gone blind too."

"I think I can hear something," said Luke. "People climbing on the stage."

"Maybe she's brought the rest of Korea with her," mused Lorelai. "They take their kimchi very seriously."

"I'd love some kimchi," said Kirk, from behind them.

"Is that a cymbal crashing?" asked Rory.

"Maybe she's brought a marching band," Lorelai guessed.

And then the lights went up, and a power chord sounded. There, standing on stage, were Hep Alien.

"I've seen the future of rock and roll and its name's Mrs Kim," said Lorelai, squinting and blinking in the bright light, her ears ringing, as the band sang a cover version of Don't Fear The Reaper.

As they reached the chorus, Zack suddenly yelled, "Thank you, Stars Hollow, and here's the star of the show, Mrs Kim."

The band fell into silence as Mrs Kim strode onto the stage to thunderous applause and Kirk whistling.

"Hello, Stars Hollow," Mrs Kim said. "I guess you wonder why I gathered you here today. I brought you all together in this one room, all of the possible suspects, since I'm going to reveal who stole my kimchi recipe. I reveal the evil dog who took it." She looked round the hall. "I know Caesar made it at Luke's, but I will name who gave him the recipe, who brought shame upon my family, upon my ancestors, upon Stars Hollow."

"Tell it how it is, Mrs Kim!" shouted Miss Patty.

"Thank you, Miss Patty," responded Mrs Kim. "Now, where to start?" she said, walking up and down the stage. "Dean!" she suddenly barked, pointing at Dean.

Everyone looked at Dean. Surely he wasn't the criminal mastermind.

"You still need haircut," she told Dean. "Need it bad."

"Yes, Ma'am," he responded, his face turning red.

She pointed again. "Kirk, you eat too much kimchi."

"You're right," wailed Kirk. "I have a problem."

And so it continued, with Mrs Kim, striding the stage, naming all of the attendants, supplying a quick summary - "Sookie, I like you", "Luke, backward baseball cap never fashionable", "Gypsy, when will car be ready?" - all, that is, except Lorelai and Rory.

"But enough of the pleasantries," Mrs Kim finally said. "No more Mrs Nice Kim. Time for serious business. I track down the pawn in the evil one's masterplan. One who had no choice when faced with such a delicious recipe. Ladies and gentlemen of Stars Hollow, I give you Caesar." There was a tumultuous uproar from the crowd.

Caesar took to the stage, waving to the crowd. "Good to be back!" he shouted.

"Hail Caesar!" shouted Kirk.

"Now, Caesar has promised to never use my recipe again," said Mrs Kim. "Right, Caesar?"

"Yes, Mrs Kim," said a compliant Caesar.

"Now, Caesar, look around this crowd, and tell me, can you see the vile pig beast that gave you my recipe?"

Caesar looked around, as the room held its collective breath, and finally said, "No, Mrs Kim." Everybody gasped, although admittedly that was because they could finally breathe again.

"Was it a Gilmore?" Mrs Kim asked, as the whole town turned their eyes on Lorelai and Rory, as if forgetting Caesar's previous answer entirely.

"Yes, Mrs Kim, yes it was."

"That's right," said Mrs Kim. "It may not have been Lorelai and Rory, but it was someone close to them. Maybe they were even protecting the guilty party, trying to maintain family honor. That's understandable."

"Who was it, Mrs Kim?" yelled Kirk.

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Mrs Kim, although she knew that was a question you should never ask Kirk. "The evil vile filth pig dog is..." there was silence from the crowd, as Mrs Kim milked her reveal for all it was worth, and a bit longer, and a bit longer still, "... Paul Anka." There was a confused reaction from some parts of the audience. "Not the singer," she added. "That the name of Lorelai's dog."

The whole of the crowd was now looking at a bewildered Lorelai.

"Yes," continued Mrs Kim, "I sometimes feed Paul Anka. He often sneaks round, preferring my kimchi to whatever take-out food Lorelai feeds him. But Paul Anka is filth dog, bad boy. Somehow he find my hidden recipe, steal it, discard it in Caesar's backyard. Caesar find scrunched-up recipe, realize the goldmine it was. The rest is kimchi history."

"That's ridiculous," protested Lorelai. "Paul Anka is innocent."

"I once had a dog like that," said Miss Patty. "Took everything I owned piece by piece, and buried it in the garden. Come to think of it, that might have been my second husband."

"Now. I have revealed the culprit," said Mrs Kim. "There is only one thing I can do… You are very bad, Paul Anka. I will pray for you." And with those words, having bestowed ultimate shame upon the culprit, she exited the stage and the gathering.

Lorelai looked around in disbelief as the eyes of Stars Hollow set upon her.

"Don't worry, Mom," said Rory. "Paul Anka is strong, he'll get through it."

* * *

As the rest of Stars Hollow left the meeting feeling elated, finally having closure, and knowing that Mrs Kim would no longer be asking them whether they'd stolen her recipe, Lorelai was left in a state of confusion.

"I have to go and see Mrs Kim," Lorelai said to Rory. "Find out what just happened in there."

"Are you sure? You could just make things worse."

"I'm sure. Have to do it for myself, have to do it for Paul Anka."

"Well, good luck with that," said a concerned Rory, seeing her friendship with Lane once again thrown into potential jeopardy.

"I don't need luck," said Lorelai. "I've got the truth on my side."

And so, once again, Lorelai found herself knocking on Mrs Kim's door. However, this time, Mrs Kim opened it.

"Lorelai?" said Mrs Kim. "Why you here?"

"Well, I haven't come to apologize for Paul Anka," she said. "I don't know what Caesar told you but-"

"Your mother stole the recipe."

"No, my mother stole the- Wait, you knew?"

"Of course I know. I suspected Caesar was being hidden at your mother's poolhouse when I visit Friday. I also stumbled across some DAR DNA results when I was there, from lab in Yale. When I visit Rory to check on one of her many boyfriends, cheesy Logan, I visited same lab in Yale. They broke easily, told about kimchi analysis."

"Oh, you did know," said Lorelai.

"I confronted your mother last night. Demanded retribution. She tough cookie, bargained hard. Reached an understanding."

"So, no samurai duel?"

"If there was, I keep it secret," said the inscrutable Mrs Kim.

"So, if you knew it was my mom, why did you blame my dog?"

"Like I say, we reach an understanding."

"Aren't you mad at Mom?" asked Lorelai. "Don't you want revenge?"

"You need to learn forgiveness, life too short for grudges," said Mrs Kim. "Besides your mother will still pay. Just financially."

"So, you're blackmailing her?" gasped Lorelai.

"How can you think that?" said Mrs Kim. "No, she is to sponsor a tambourine band I'm putting together. Emily very generous patron of the arts."

"Well, she can definitely be patronising," said Lorelai.

"Sorry I slander your dog, but he get over it."

"I guess so," said Lorelai. "At least this way, I won't get dirty looks because of what my mother did. Have to say I liked the bit about Paul Anka sneaking to you for food, very creative."

"Who say I made that up?" replied Mrs Kim.

Lorelai smiled at Mrs Kim and her strange sense of humor. "One thing I don't understand though…"

Mrs Kim stared at her silently.

Lorelai continued, "You asked everyone else in Stars Hollow if they stole your recipe, but you never asked me."

"Why would I need to ask you?"

Lorelai smiled, tears coming to her eyes. Mrs Kim clearly trusted her as a friend.

"You a criminal mastermind?" continued Mrs Kim. "Very funny."

Lorelai was about to respond when Mrs Kim closed the door on her.


	11. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Lorelai had been surprised that Mrs Kim had forgiven her mother so easily, but it appeared she had. It had been five weeks since the stolen kimchi recipe had rocked Stars Hollow. Now, on this summer's day, all of that had been forgotten. Caesar had never made any more kimchi, Dean's buzzcut had started to grow out, Kirk was over his withdrawal symptoms, and Lorelai and a smiling Mrs Kim were standing on the sidewalk as the Stars Hollowpalooza music festival was in full swing. "They be coming round corner soon," Mrs Kim said to Lorelai. "Just watch my band, Jesus's Crankynauts, that your mother so kindly sponsored."

"Jesus's Crankynauts?"

"I chose first word, Lane chose second. Though thanks to sponsorship, they're now Jesus and Emily Gilmore's Crankynauts."

"Not sure my mom will be happy with second billing," joked Lorelai in a way that was lost on Mrs Kim.

"I had Kirk print up the t-shirts," Mrs Kim told her, as the tambourine-shaking band strode into view, playing what sounded like MMMBop.

Lorelai almost didn't hear her cell phone ringing over their noise. "Hi Mom, yeah, just watching them now. Yes, they've mentioned your name, it's big and large."

Lorelai stifled her laughter as she looked at the back of the band's shirts, that read "Jesus! Emily Gilmore's Cranky-Nuts!"

"Yes, they definitely spelled your name right," Lorelai assured her mother. "Gotta go now, bye." Lorelai hung up, and turned to Mrs Kim, "Did you do that on purpose?" asked Lorelai, a big smile on her face.

"Of course not. I forgive and forget. Must be Kirk," Mrs Kim said.

Lorelai could have sworn Mrs Kim was trying not to smile, and, being Mrs Kim, she was succeeding.

 **THE END**

 **MRS KIM WILL RETURN**


End file.
